a lost being

How many of you are always in the utmost state of confidence? Always standing head-up, nose parallel to the ground, in a state of positivism even in times of desperate egress...well, can these ppl raise their hands? Can these ppl come upfront to the stage as i would like to present my award to them. Just how do you cope? In all forms of therapy, exercise, or meditation you can do, would these help?

My reasons are simple. Bombarded with issues in life, overwhelmed by the over-work of my little brain cells in my tiny little head, my purpose and goal in this forthcoming stage of maturation (not too sure about whether it's still developing), the uncertainties of life's simplicity or ambiguousness, my heart felt need of needing to contribute a majority of my nobility or morality back to the ones who sacrificed dearly and compassionately for me, but yet, so lost in wondering how, and overcoming pessimism in my thoughts and feelings, AND able to wear this exquisite mask created by 'the creator' for 'the creator' to still look strong, brave and everything in the goodness of oneself. Yet, that calls for some form of talent, wouldn't it? I see that I've mastered it well...

Yes, one would say it takes time to learn, ya de ya de ya de... how far, how long, how deep does it take to learn enough? Maybe I'm just sick of it...maybe I'm impatient..always driving myself to the edge and not taking time to r-e-l-a-x...does that work? does easing your mind, your body, your soul actually HELP??? Tell me how.. i would greatly appreciate your explanation. I"m not being pessimistic about everything, i'm just taking into account the BIG factor, R-I-S-K taking.. all my fallbacks.

Independence is a plus factor in growing, right? It takes one to adapt...not the world to adapt to you alone. That's right.. But i'm just one tiny soul that tries hard.. A shoulder to hang on to would be of great help at least.. Hmmm..not calling for anyone to do so. I'm a big girl..who should know what she wants..and knows how to get it..and works hard to get it. A big applause to myself because this girl here who thinks she knows doesn't know!!! Fabulous!!! Bravo!!! Super star!!!!
I know what I wish I want...

I want to be able to love. To go all out and save those unloved ones. My passion for dogs is one. I want to grow old knowing i've saved the lost ones. But yet, i'm cruel..and i cry out with revulsion to know that i can even fork out such thoughts... i'm analysing myself..always doing so. Notice, i have great hidden plans waiting to pertrude from within.. its black, dirty, unimaginable, haunting and unforgiving.. how's that sound? Its served for miserable people, individuals who have never seen what's love..those who take and never serve back, to those who take love away from others. i wish to do something in return. Don't panic, everyone has their dark side that can't be shared..at all.

I want to make everyone around me happy. To see their dreams come true, to celebrate, to keep friends, loved ones close at heart. How do i do that? be myself? That answer undermines the actual thing. How many of us know our very selves, inside-out 100%? I've got another award to pass on... don't pretend, be honest. We know shit..nothing but shitz about ourselves. Basic behaviour, everyday sttitude we possess are merely the tip of the iceberg. Try digging, our body and mind is a whole treasure to find..

My lists of what i wish i want goes on.. but i won't share. What a life to live in!!!